there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
