I wanna bring you to show and tell
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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