I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
