I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
