Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
