We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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