There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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