I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
