GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
