Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
