If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
