I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
