It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
