Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
