Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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