walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
