i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
