Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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