Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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