just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
