I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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