when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
