Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
