o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
