ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
