apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
