Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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