shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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