turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
