after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
