He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You're a waste of cheezeits
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
