I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
