Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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