My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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