Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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