Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
