Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
