Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
