my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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