I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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