do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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