Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
