if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
