Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
