Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
