I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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