whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Randomize
