I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
where are my eyebrows?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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