so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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