Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
