Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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