you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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